I dont wanna hurt him, but I dont want to fool myself

It started last year, i was joking when I said he was so torpe, he said he wants to prove that he is not. Nagpustahan pa nga kame e. I thought I will win, pero naprove niya na hindi siya torpe. He went with us to mass, then we watched a movie. Then continous yung communication, halos lagi nga kameng nagtatawagan. And mind you, he was the first one whom I had a meal na guy na hindi ko kamaganak na kame lang dalawa ang magkasama. I can feel na medyo nafafall na ako sakanya kaso hindi ako masaya sa nararamdaman ko. Suddenly, i feel so irritated. And that's when I realize na hidi ko pa kaya. I cant love. Im too afraid to fall inlove. I know na syang na yung chance, he loves me so much that he is willing to give up his vicea for me and everything, pero ayoko naman lokohin yung sarili ko.

If he read this, sana malaman niya kung gaano ako kaSORRY sa ginawa ko:-(

revelations on my christmas break.

these are random things on mind. haha :)

1st: NIKKO.

- he's been open to me about his feelings for me since,ahhm, idk. haha. basta, ngayon, mas open na siya and hindi na siya nahihiya sakin, and we're starting to bring back the old times. yung dati na friends lang talaga kame :) at namiss ko yun. Alam kong mysterious siya, and I know na isa siya sa mga taong mamahalin ako, kahit anong mangyari.

2nd: ARVIN

- the communication between us is open. We're texting, pero madalang lang. He said na may feelings pa rin siya saken, he even said "true love e". I told him na siguro pag nawala katorpehan niya, baka may pagasa pa na magustuhan ko siya. I don't wanna close the doors, he is kind, and I know the feeling is real, it's been a long time na rin when I found out that he likes me, or I guess loves me. Ayun. so maybe, I may fall in love with him.

3rd: RAMON

- jam told me that he likes me. He's been joking about it since summer, I think. Pero di ako naniniwala. ayun, I like ramon, pero as a friend lang. Never fell in love with him, or just a crush. He is a nice friend :) and just like nikko, hindi kame talo. Friendship weighs more than relationship like bf gf :))

christmas break---over!

in about 14 hours, I'll be going back to manila. I've been going home here in solano, then back to manila for many times already but still, I'm not used to it. I still want plenty of time to stay here. But it's ok, time flies so fast, I know, I won't recognize, I will be back again, here, where I belong :)

Lilisanin na ang kinagisnang tahanan

Di ko alam kung dapat ba akong maging masaya kasi natupad na ng papa ko na magkaroon siya ng baging bahay o hindi. Lumaki ako na doon ako nakatira,oo,malapit lang naman yung dati naming bahay sa bago ngayon,kaso, andami kasing memories sa bahay na yun e. Dun kami lumaking magkakapatid. Witness yung bahay na yun sa pagunlad ni papa atng iba pa naming kamaganak. Dun namatay si lolo at si lola. Dun kame naglaro ng mga kaibigan ko nung bata pa ako. Dun kame nAgaaway ng mga kapatid ko. Dun kame nagsasamang pamilya kapag pasko,araw ng mga patay at kung may special gatherings. Saksi yung bahay na yun sa kalungkutan ko. Sa lahat ng nararamdaman nameng magkakapatid na hindi alam ng mga magulang namen, madame kameng nagawa sa bahay na yun, maraming aral na natutunan. Pero ngayon,lilisanin na namen, wal naman kaming magagawa. Ang hirap kasi, sa iabng place ka na gigising, na everytime na uuwi kame, iba na ang uuwian nameng bahay. Kung may puso lang yung bahay, sigurado at iiyak yun.mahirap pero kailangan:(

he'll be 12 hours away

so Jon texted me. I think It was a gm or something, pero I replied na din kasi he texts seldom nalang. So like almost all texts, he ask if How am I, and so on. Then he asked pa nga if I have a boyfriend na daw, I said, wala pa, which is wala naman talaga :) then ayun, bigla nalang niyang sinabi na,lilipat na daw siya next year 1st sem, I asked where and why. They are going back to ilocos na daw because no one will look after them because his mom and dad are OFWs or they are working abroad.

It's a sign na, right? That we can't be together anymore, that maybe, our last meeting will be on the 30th of December, our grand alumni homecoming. It's a precaution that I should stop hoping that we will still be together in the near future. aw:(

missing piece

After a tiring day. I am here in front of my laptop again. Blogging this stupid shit .Typing words I don't even know if it has any sense. Well, my point is, I want to talk to him. It feels like I want to text him, and tell him, "hey, I'm in town" but I'm thinking what if he says "so what", or "that's good" and "so?". There's no reason for him to know I'm here. He doesn't even care. I think he already has a girlfriend, and why bother, right? And what's my reason to talk to him. But I want him to call me, right now, I wanna hear his voice, I wanna hear his laugh. I wanna end everything. I want to tell him everything I wanna say. I just want to end this. But how? :(

a phone call

I was at errol's place. His dad died because of tipus. We were infront of his dad's tomb. We were talking about random things then his tita asked him if Jon(my ex) already visited. Errol told her tita that Jon haven't visited yet and he doesn't know whta happened. So when I got home, I texted him. i told him that his father died and I asked him to visit errol. He already replied the other day. I had a missed call from him a text saying "HAHAHAH". then I asked him, what's funny? Then he said, nothing and he infromed me that he already visited errol. Then the night of that day, he texted and and asked if I was busy, I said no, he asked If he can call me, I said yes, he said again, "sagutin mo ha?" I said, OK. Then there we talked for, I think, 15 minutes because the line was disconnected.

While we're talking, it's as if we didn't have a past broken relationship. It was an ideal phone call. Laughing, joking, teasing without the "ilang" factor. While he was talking, I was remembering the past, I was thinking the what if's in my head again. what if we have been like this before? Our realtionshiop could have better and lasted.

But after the phone call, I have realized, we are better if we are frinds, JUST FRIENDS.as they say, Lovers wont be friends unless they don't have feelings for each other anymore.

oo. masakit na nawala na yung pagmamahal at masakit tanggapin na hindi na kame magkakabalikan, pero masaya ako, kasi nakamove on na ako, masaya na siya at nakamaove on na siya. at friends na kame at tanggap na namin na hindi na talagang pwedeng maging kame. pero sana sa future, sana may pagkakataon pa na baguhin ko or icorrect ko yung mga mistakes na nagawa ko sakanya, hindi man kame sa huli, sana mabigyan lang ako ng second chnace para maiparamdam ko naman yung mga hindi ko naiparamdam sakanya noon.

kung may mamahalin ako sa future, kung magkita man kame sa future at nandun parin yung pagmamahal na yun, ikaw parin ang mamahalin ko. at please, tandaan mo, napakalaking bahagi ka ng buhay ko. Promise!