It's been a year

1 year had passed since he begged for me to come back. 1 year passed that I tried to move on and let go. 1 year gone that I hoped he'll beg for me once again just like what he did after our many break ups. 1 year that I hoped he'll fulfil his promises. 1 year that he's the only one I'm thinking of. 1 year of misery and pain. 1 year of regretting my mistakes. 1 year of wondering the "what if's" in my mind. 1 year of hoping that someday, "us" will work again and "us" will be a perfect match.

A friend told me that I can't move on because I know that he still loves me. Ad now, I just want Him to say he doesn't love me anymore so I can move on. I really want to move on but I don't know how.

I guess, 1 year is too long for hoping. I guess it's time to move on. I just want him to say that and I can say I'm in peace. It's just that we're really not meant to be together. I wanna change me, and his words are the key to my new life.

i feel empty

&& I don't know why. Aw! Maybe because I haven't settled what I want to settle. I don't know how eh.

Why does it feel like I am being fooled. Why is he saying that I am important to him kaso he's not showing it naman? Is he playing games with me? or parang making "balis". Urg! I want us back so much, but I don't know if it's right! Damn!

Maybe we're meant to fall in love with each other but we're not meant to be together.

I was wrong. And I'm sorry. What I've heard was wrong. He is a virgin. Sorry, I was listening to someone else kasi when they were talking about that topic. Kaso di lang naman yun eh. Ok. Fine. You're a Virgin. But there's something else that is running around my mind right now.

Wanna know what that is?hmmmm....it's about what jayvee told me. Yung when he told him that I don't want him anymore ,uminit na daw ulo niya then suddenly he said na he have this girl,that girl and etc.Diba. What would you feel if you were in my position?!

He explained to me everything(i guess) naman na eh. I asked him to tell me everything I need to know. Sinabi naman niya but I am not sure if lahat na nga ba talaga yun.

Wait. Stop. Why am I asking questions like that to him? I don't have the right naman diba? I'm not his girlfriend and He is not my boyfriend. Why did we have a conversation like that? If only you can read his messages to me, he's trying to explain everything he knows. It's as if he really needs to explain all of those things.

But it's too late. Its so hard to trust him. Its so hard to believe his words. I don't know what is right from wrong. I don't know why he explained to me everything. Kasi honestly speaking, I am still holding on to his promises, that he already broke. Like the "ikaw lang mamahalin ko", "maghihintay ako", and so on. Kasi if he was really sincere to his promises(na pinanghawakan ko, tanga ko kasi!), wala dapat siya naging karelasyon sa almost 1 year na wala kame. That's why I hate promises. Di naman kasi nila tinutupad eh:(

Anyway, I missed conversations like that. I missed texting with him until we are already sleepy. I missed the times when he was always or mostly(HAHA) the first one to go to bed. I really miss the old times.

Behind this conversation are two persons who love each other, but can't be together. At yun ang masakit. Its so hard to let go of him. Or I just don't want to let go. Maybe because, I wanna know the what ifs in my mind(what if pinakita kong mahal ko siya, what if naging open ako, what if naging mas concern ako sakanya, what if kahit papaano tinatanong ko din problema niya...etc!)

I want us to be together again, but there is something that is telling me, don't! What should I do?

You and me will never be together.

Thinking about the title? well that was a line that I made when our teacher asked us to pass a poem. Anyway, this will be about the title naman eh, not the poem.

Last night, we were drinking here in our house. I didn't expect na pupunta siya dito. I really didn't. Well it was a good night, not until Josh asked us(medyo may tama na kasi) kung virgin pa daw kame, then 2 boys answered, NO! and he was the other one. I just heard that, kaso di ko narinig yung ibang part ng story because Jeck(boyfriend ni pat) was telling me of his story(ang sad nga eh,napaiyak ako dun). Grabe, naturn Off talaga ako. Before that night, I was hoping and I'm ready to fix "us" again eh. Kaso when I heard that. Ayoko na. And meron pa, Josh asked again if we ever had Long distance relationships, siyempre, ako wala ako niyan, pero siya nagkaroon daw, marami pa. Napaisip ako kung those times na kame pa, or those times na he's still courting me, or the times na on off on off kame, what if may someone na pala siyang fliniflirt through text or whatever. I never borrowed his phone naman dati, and never akong naghinala na he's flirting with other woman. pero what if he was?! Hindi ako nanghihimasok sa buhay niya dati.

Then awhile ago, he texted and defended himself, saying na virgin pa siya and whatever. Then I asked Jayvee some advices, he said na I made the right decision na wag ng makipagbalikan sakanya. Kasi last night, when jayvee opened that i don't want him back to my life, ang sabe ba naman daw, it's ok, wala akong pake, marami pa naman kan iba. And jayvee told me na he has reserves!WTF right. What if kaya niya akong lokohin diba:?!

Siguro nga we're better if we're not together. Things wont work for us. But still, I love him. KAso di ko lang alam kung TAMA.

I don't know if that was really the answer. And i Thank God for that. Ang sakit ng loob ko. Ang bigat. Take the pain away. Please?!

be mine?

Every time I'm here in my room, i always remember my exes. I don't know why but my room reminds me of them. Maybe because, here is where i hide every time they call me, maybe because here is where i hid our memories, maybe because, before, we used to say goodnights before we go to sleep. But now, I'm left with no one.

I easily moved on with my 1st ex because someone came along. But with my second ex, for God's sake, until now, i don't know how to move on. Someone, or there are two, no, there's three who tried, but I didn't give them chances because of HIM. It's been a year, not exact, but more than a year, i think, when we part ways. After our first break up, he wants me back and I also want him back, so we're on again, then break, then on. then break, then on, YES, we're christmas LIGHTS! ON and OFF! But, sad to say, we had the LAST BREAK UP. We had no communication for more than 3 months, i think. And you know what he said when we have our communication again, "Finally, napalitan na din kita". Those words broke my heart, into pieces. He kept on comparing me with the girl. Masakit pero i still kept on listening. Then again, i cut our communication. Then it was returned on February.

He told me he has new again. I still listened. But I haven't moved on yet until now. He has a girlfriend. Desperate me, I asked him, "If ever I asked you to leave her and be mine, would you do it?". I wanna know if he still loves me eh. I know it's wrong, but I can't hide what I feel anymore. Telling to my friends won't lessen the pain eh, so I said it to HIM nalang. He said "I'll think of it" and "Mahal ko siya eh". I waited for his answer. Days had passed. At last, he answered. Oh. not yet. He told me that he broke up with her. Then he asked me, "Anong mangyayari kapag sinabi kong OO?", then I said, "I don;t know", and I asked if his answer is really yes then he said "OO". I was shocked. Really shocked. And I was so guilty and sorry for the girl.

After he said yes to my question, many things ran around my mind. "Is he really a changed man?", "Will he hurt me again"?.....and many more. I don't know if he and me should be together again. yes, I love him, But is it enough not to hurt him anymore. I couldn't bear to see him cry again because of me.

I asked God for answers, he never replied.HAHA, funny if he did. But maybe he just showed me. Because the quote "Kung kayo talaga para sa isa't isa, hindi man kayo okay ngayon, magkikita parin kayo sa huli", somewhat like that, echoes in my mind. Maybe that's the answer, iiwan ko nalang sa panahon kung anong mangyayari. God's will be done:-)

excited much:-)

Breathe in, Breathe out.

At last, i can breathe normally again. nah, i am not sick nor came from the hospital or whatever. I can breathe normally again because, third term is over and the end of 3rd term means, 3 weeks vacation for me. After almost 3 months of everyday classes, at last, i can have a rest and i can go home to my beloved vizcaya. I'm so excited to go home na and be with my family, loyola family and friends. I've never been this excited before and i don't know why. And during that 3 weeks vacation, isingit natin birthday ko. OMG, is this for real? im turning 17 na. im getting old na.:-(

Anyway, what should i do for my 3 weeks vacation? Maybe swim, relax, laugh. Nah, don't wanna make plans. I'll just leave it all to destiny.haha.weh? All i want to do is to have fun and find myself again, the real me, the real laughs. I miss my HOME, there is where the TRUE joanah lives:-)

why me?

i can't stop myself but ask, why me? why all of the people in the world, i'm the unlucky one. For the second time, my phone was lost again. Gone in a snap. i have no idea who got it. Curse who he is. i know, things happen for a reason, but tell me, what's your reason now? Do you want me to live without the "luho"? Or you're just punishing me because i'm not going to your HOUSE anymore. WHY ME GOD?why me?