after all, it was my fault

It all sinks in now.I can slowly feel the loneliness. I'm hurt.

He gave up last sunday. Told me he was tired and he doesn't know if he still likes what he is doing or not, he said that his heart tells him to fight, but his mind tells him to quit. I don't know the right words to say, I just told him that "minsan, mas tama ang isip". But deep inside, I want to ask him why? I want to ask "ganun na ba ako kahirap pagtiyagaan?" or he did that to protect himself, letting me go is his defense mechanism. I want to tell him to keep fighting, but I did not. I let him go. I hurt him. I am a bad. I am stupid. I am coward. If letting me go was his defense mechanism, controlling my emotions is mine.

I tried to love him, i pushed myself to fall. I was at the edge, maybe a little more push and I will fall, but he wasnt there anymore. And it was hard for me to lift myself and move away from the cliff.

I thought you love me so much that you will wait until I am ready. But I guess, you don't. You make me happy. You make me feel special. You are my first thought in the morning and my last thought before I go to sleep.

I missed saying goodmorning to you and telling you that I am late. I missed you telling me to eat my lunch, dinner and whatsoever. I missed you telling me to go to sleep na kasi I might be late for school the following morning. I missed how you make kulit of me that you are going to make sundo of me sa school,i hate how you make kulit, but I miss it. I missed everything about us. I missed us texting all day long. my mapua friends are curious nga e, who's that "arvin campos" ba? And all I can say was, he's my friend.

everytime I look at my window, I look around the city, and all I can remember is you, the times when you call me and I go to my room because my brother is outside.

I know it will be our last goodbye. I lay it all to God. To God be the glory. If it is meant to be, it will be.

Sorry for the pains. For your hardships, all are appreciated. Sorry for not being the girl who will love you the way you love me. I know someday, you will find someone who is much better than me. Lucky is that girl, cause I know, you will love her will all your heart, and that you will love her, truly, madly and deeply.

til here my friend, maybe we had the right love at the wrong time or just a wrong love at the right time. IDK! ciao- joanah marie castillo ruben