Patricia says:

I started the day smiling because it was the game 6 of NBA finals. I was so eager to watch it and I ditched class just to finish the game. And it was worth it because Mavs won! Haha! 

Then at 12, jam fetched me and we went to trinoma, then pat followed. Random topics, and everything and lots  and lots and lots of walking. Then suddenly, I told her, na I want to have a boyfriend na, then she said, she wants na din. So open open about things in our life. Then suddenly ipinasok niya si A sa topic. She said na he's just there naman daw and bakit di ko daw itry na seryosohin siya. And she was like a pro talaga in giving advices. As in. i told her ayoko kasi he was so demanding in terms of time. Sabi ko I dont want someone who always want to see me and everything, but she said na it's normal lang daw and I should accept that. He again said what everyone told me na give him a chance. Na itry ko daw. 

I told her pa na I dont want someone who is under and someone na kayang kaya kong paikutin, na kahit gaano kataas pride ng lalaki, matataasan at matataasan ko yun. Then she said na sa umpisa lang yun, that sooner, they will change. Haaay!

Im so confused. I want the feeling of being in love na uli. Yung feeling na you're afraid of losing someone and you're valuing them so much. That you can do whatever you can for them. Haaay. But I just cant do it. Because im afraid. I dont want pain. I dont want tears. Pero nasasaktan parin ako ngayon. Ang hirap. Ang gulo ng buhay. 

Confuzzled.........

Ang gulo gulo ng nararamdaman ko. Nakakainis na. Nakapagtanong na ako kung kani kanino kung anong gagawin. And their answers are opposite to what I am doing. They all said na, why dont you give him a chance. Sabi nila, paano ko daw malalaman if masasaktan ako or whatever kung hindi ko itatry. I super want to try but something is pulling me back. Hindi ko alam kung ano yun. Super? Naguguluhan na nga ako e. Sinasabi ko sa sarili ko na kaya ko, na ready na ako, pero kapag andiyan na yung chance, I change my mind. Pakiramdam ko nakamove on na ako dun sa ex ko pero hindi nawala yung pain. Anong kailangan kong gawin para mawala yung fear? Gulong gulo na ako. 

Ayoko ng ganitong feeling, yung naiiyak ka ng walang dahilan, na bigla nalang bibigat yung pakiramdam mo. 

Pero honestly, everytime na uuwi ako dati sa vizcaya, during my idle times, si jon pumapasok sa isip ko, but now iba na, ansakit kasi napalitan yung misery ng ibang misery. Dapat happiness diba? Pero hindi e. Pero I know it's my fault naman e. I was the one who doesnt or was afraid to take risk. 

I just really dont know what to do. Im confuzzled. God. *sigh

I told him :D

hi. I dont know if you can still remember me. Classmate mo ako dati sa eng12. haha. feel ko nashock ka. wala lang. just want you to know na hinahangaan kita :D haha. wala lang. Gusto ko lang sabihin, hindi naman na kasi siguro kita makikita around mapua kaya sinabi ko na:D weird ba? haha. sinabi ng friends ko e na wala naman daw masama kung sabihin ko sayo. anyway. ingat :D

that was my words to him. 5mins after, wala pa siyang reaction.Ok na yan. ok na na hindi siya magreact. God! ANong pumasok sa utak ko at nasabi ko sakanya. WAH! Hope he doesnt take it the wrong way :D haay. at least nasabi ko na sakanya, right? :D

ok lang ako

NP: Okay lang ako by Parokya ni Edgar..
"lahat ay aking gagawin
pikit matang tatanggapin
mas kayang masaktan paminsan-mnsan
'wag ka lamang mawala ng tuluyan..
...
..Kung merong magtanong tungkol sa akin
sabihin mo
ok lang ako, ok lang ako"

Read that from a friend's post! SHOOT! I immediately thought of someone A. Suddenly, ambigat ng pakiramdam ko. I don't know why. If there's a thermometer for the body to know if you have a fever or what, sana, there's a love-o-meter for the heart, so you can know if you are really inlove or whatever. So that you wont waste time thinking if you fell for someone or not. To know what is real. So that the mind and the heart would stop fighting.

The post reflects him so much. I remembered him saying he doesn't care if he'll be hurt, as long as he can prove to me that he loves me.

What does it mean if you think of a person during your idle moments? What does it mean when everytime you watch something with a guy and a girl, you remember him and suddenly, the what ifs appear.

If only I am not afraid of loving and showing my true feelings, I will choose you. because I know, that the feeling is real, and I know that I can entrust my heart to you. But I tried, you know that.

Sana alam niya kung anong tunay kong nararamdaman. Sana lang, kasi alam ko naman namisunderstood mo nanaman e. Minsan kasi, mas gugustuhin mo nalang igive up lahat, para lang makaless ka ng sakit sa ibang tao. Isipin mo, ngayon palang, na hindi naman masyado pinagsamahan namen, I got too attached. Ano pa kaya kapag tumagal pa diba? Hindi ko alam kung paano ko kakayanin yung ganun. Hirap ako sa mga ganitong bagay e. lalo na at wala akong mapagopenan. kasi kahit sa sarili ko, hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit ako nasasaktan. :(

an after shock? naaah

2 weeks, no communication with him, kasi he stopped na nga diba. Then suddenly he texted me, nangagamusta lang daw, I said ok lang ako and I asked him, how he is doing. He said he's not fine kase he misses me daw. sus. Then ayun, he's asking for another chance, a chance to prove he loves me daw. I said I don't want na kasi we are just hurting each other na and I know na wala namang patutunguhan to e.

I am afraid to fall. Afraid to get hurt because of love again. Oo, masaya ako na may nagmamahal sakin, but I dont want the ffeling na parang hawak ako ng iba. I want my freedom, I want all my time to be mine. Selfish ako, and that's reality

(March 2,2011)
I was watching mara clara, as always. haha. Then suddenly, christian appeared, I
remembered him (FYI: di niya kamukha si christian!). I was always telling him kasi na we'll text nalang after mara clara. Then after the episode, we will make kwentuhan about the episode. How I am so kilig about christian. Kaso ngayon, I don't have him na to share my kiligness to christian and how I cried for tonight's episode.

Then kanina, while I was staring into the city, and whispering into the wind that I miss him, I have realized na he was the one who made me move on completely from my ex. He made me forget about the pains and the fears. Kaso, new man to remember nanaman, maybe a new heartache?hmmm.... maybe not that much. New man to relate to my chick flicks, candy mags articles and everything about love. haay. If only I have the courage and not have the fear. I want to text him so badly, but I don't want to bother him anymore, and maybe, he's too busy to check his phone, or .....
nevermind.

there's something wrong

Ever feel so fine, then suddenly you're not, then you start to think of someone, then you go back to reality, you're ok again, then again not, then you feel like crying, and you ask yourself, but you don't know the reason.

I tried to preoccupy myself. I tried to make myself busy. I tried not to think of what I feel. I am trying my best to escape reality. But I guess, it's hard. Reality is one of the things we can't escape.

One of the reasons why I don't want to fall in love again, is because, I know, that they will end up getting tired and leave me. I don't know if I fell, all I know is that, I was already attached to him, I got used to the fact that he'll be there for me, listening to me and whatever.

I have already accepted the fact, that we can never be more than friends ,but what I can't understand is that, why does it feel that there is something wrong? ambigat ng pakiramdam ko. It feels like there's an unfinished business between the two of us. Or maybe I have made the same mistake I made before. Not explaining myself, not fighting for what I feel, and just letting him go, even though I know, that he is special to me.

Natatakot akong masaktan uli. Ayoko na. Tinigil ko na agad to para less yung sakit. I let him go para malessen yung pain, pero bakit ganun, masakit parin? pero siguro mas ok na, kasi kung magtatagal pa, mas maaattach ako sakanya, mas masakit. Ang isa pang masakit, walang may alam ng nararamdaman ko. Mahirap magtago, mahirap din ishare sa iba kasi parang wala namang makakaintindi ng sitwasyon ko. I am always misunderstood. Gusto kong sabihin sakanya na nasasaktan ako, pero bakit? bakit ako nasasaktan at bakit ko pa sasabihin sakanya, it doesn't matter anymore. He's already happy with his life, why bother?