Lilisanin na ang kinagisnang tahanan

Di ko alam kung dapat ba akong maging masaya kasi natupad na ng papa ko na magkaroon siya ng baging bahay o hindi. Lumaki ako na doon ako nakatira,oo,malapit lang naman yung dati naming bahay sa bago ngayon,kaso, andami kasing memories sa bahay na yun e. Dun kami lumaking magkakapatid. Witness yung bahay na yun sa pagunlad ni papa atng iba pa naming kamaganak. Dun namatay si lolo at si lola. Dun kame naglaro ng mga kaibigan ko nung bata pa ako. Dun kame nAgaaway ng mga kapatid ko. Dun kame nagsasamang pamilya kapag pasko,araw ng mga patay at kung may special gatherings. Saksi yung bahay na yun sa kalungkutan ko. Sa lahat ng nararamdaman nameng magkakapatid na hindi alam ng mga magulang namen, madame kameng nagawa sa bahay na yun, maraming aral na natutunan. Pero ngayon,lilisanin na namen, wal naman kaming magagawa. Ang hirap kasi, sa iabng place ka na gigising, na everytime na uuwi kame, iba na ang uuwian nameng bahay. Kung may puso lang yung bahay, sigurado at iiyak yun.mahirap pero kailangan:(

he'll be 12 hours away

so Jon texted me. I think It was a gm or something, pero I replied na din kasi he texts seldom nalang. So like almost all texts, he ask if How am I, and so on. Then he asked pa nga if I have a boyfriend na daw, I said, wala pa, which is wala naman talaga :) then ayun, bigla nalang niyang sinabi na,lilipat na daw siya next year 1st sem, I asked where and why. They are going back to ilocos na daw because no one will look after them because his mom and dad are OFWs or they are working abroad.

It's a sign na, right? That we can't be together anymore, that maybe, our last meeting will be on the 30th of December, our grand alumni homecoming. It's a precaution that I should stop hoping that we will still be together in the near future. aw:(

missing piece

After a tiring day. I am here in front of my laptop again. Blogging this stupid shit .Typing words I don't even know if it has any sense. Well, my point is, I want to talk to him. It feels like I want to text him, and tell him, "hey, I'm in town" but I'm thinking what if he says "so what", or "that's good" and "so?". There's no reason for him to know I'm here. He doesn't even care. I think he already has a girlfriend, and why bother, right? And what's my reason to talk to him. But I want him to call me, right now, I wanna hear his voice, I wanna hear his laugh. I wanna end everything. I want to tell him everything I wanna say. I just want to end this. But how? :(

a phone call

I was at errol's place. His dad died because of tipus. We were infront of his dad's tomb. We were talking about random things then his tita asked him if Jon(my ex) already visited. Errol told her tita that Jon haven't visited yet and he doesn't know whta happened. So when I got home, I texted him. i told him that his father died and I asked him to visit errol. He already replied the other day. I had a missed call from him a text saying "HAHAHAH". then I asked him, what's funny? Then he said, nothing and he infromed me that he already visited errol. Then the night of that day, he texted and and asked if I was busy, I said no, he asked If he can call me, I said yes, he said again, "sagutin mo ha?" I said, OK. Then there we talked for, I think, 15 minutes because the line was disconnected.

While we're talking, it's as if we didn't have a past broken relationship. It was an ideal phone call. Laughing, joking, teasing without the "ilang" factor. While he was talking, I was remembering the past, I was thinking the what if's in my head again. what if we have been like this before? Our realtionshiop could have better and lasted.

But after the phone call, I have realized, we are better if we are frinds, JUST FRIENDS.as they say, Lovers wont be friends unless they don't have feelings for each other anymore.

oo. masakit na nawala na yung pagmamahal at masakit tanggapin na hindi na kame magkakabalikan, pero masaya ako, kasi nakamove on na ako, masaya na siya at nakamaove on na siya. at friends na kame at tanggap na namin na hindi na talagang pwedeng maging kame. pero sana sa future, sana may pagkakataon pa na baguhin ko or icorrect ko yung mga mistakes na nagawa ko sakanya, hindi man kame sa huli, sana mabigyan lang ako ng second chnace para maiparamdam ko naman yung mga hindi ko naiparamdam sakanya noon.

kung may mamahalin ako sa future, kung magkita man kame sa future at nandun parin yung pagmamahal na yun, ikaw parin ang mamahalin ko. at please, tandaan mo, napakalaking bahagi ka ng buhay ko. Promise!

and that was the last day

before this day happened, I mean night, I talked to God and asked for a sign. I said, if Clarkson will be wearing his violet polo, he likes me, if he is wearing his violet polo shirt, it means he doesn't, but if he is wearing a black one, it means I am going to say what I feel for him. So that's it. before I woke up, I dreamt that he is wearing black. Then after I took a bath, I saw a reminder from my phone that It is the last day of our eng12. While I was taking the shower, wala na isip ko yun e, but when I saw the reminder, shit, nawasak puso ko dun. shitness! So ayun, like the old times, I laugh away my worries, I am super happy that day before eng12, my classmate was saying pa nga, "last day kasi" and I was like trying to ignore what they are saying. So eto na, english time. We went to our room earlier than the usual time kasi we were dismissed early. So ayun, before he arrived, I tried to laugh away my worries again, and then I saw him, my heart was broken into pieces, My world stopped. He was wearing BLACK! :((. So we entered the room and passed our final paper. Then we wrote something for our kulang kulang thing, he was there. And when I finished my work, I don't want to leave, I never want to leave the room, but I need to, I had my last glimpse of him, a glimpse of sadness, because I know I won't be able to see him anymore.

My term of kilig is now over, It was over since the time I opened the door and stepped out. I know, if its meant to be, it will. I guess,we were never meant to be. Thank you for being my inspiration kahit na hindi mo alam, and I wish you knew.

Now I know that it is hard to love someone who will never love you and I have learned that it is possible to say goodbye to someone who was never yours :(

I will always remember that someone named clarkson once tickled my heart and partially broke it.

re-blog :)

Read it from tumblr. Just wanna save it here, cause it's so me. AS IN!

Have you ever been angry or sad, to the point where you just break down at home, in your room? Your parents don't know because you keep the tears to yourself, and you cry silently. Your friends don't know because you talk as if you're fine and dandy behind the computer screen. Well you're not fine and dandy, and you know it. No one really knows how you feel, and they have their own lives to deal with, so you don't bother telling them. You bottle it up, and store it with all of the other problems or troubles, forever to be kept deep within.

:))

I don't want to expect

There, we already saw kung san kame nominated. And sad to say, kalaban ko si Giselle. Kaibigan ko. I don't want to expect na to win, pero andito na ako eh, andun pain yung part na nageexpect na mananalo ako. I hate it :(

confident!

mas confident ako ngayon na sabihin na masaya ako. Na nakapagmove on na ako. KEri ko na :)

tiring sunday

I woke at around 5:45 am. Then I went to Mcdo at around 7am. Dapat take out lang ako, kasi ang usapan 8:00 am, eh sa shaw pa ang meeting place. Then my boss texted me na it was moved to 9am, so nagdine in nalang ako ng crispy chicken fillet, and it was half cooked! nagreklamo na ako, pinalitan, pero half cooked parin yung pinalit. Hindi na ako nagreklamo, Kinain ko nalng. wtf?!

Then ayun, mineet na namin yung boss then pumunta na kame ng carmona. A part of cavite daw siya. Then ayun, tour, picture picture ng mga bahay then orientation. Natagalan kame kasi may dumating na client yung isa pa nameng kasama, e isa lang ang dalang van, kaya yun, we waited for them, di na nga ako nakaattend ng mitmc meeting eh. tsk! Pero pinakain naman nila kame ng lunch

at around 3:30pm kame umuwi. medyo traffic sa slex kasi may dalawang truck na nagslide sa road. magkahiwalay na nangyari kaya nakarating kame ng manila ng mga past 5?

Then diretso ako ng trinoma, alone, para bumili ng cheap na shoes. HAHA. sira na kasi shoes ko dahil sa ulan eh. grrr! ayun, bumili then kumain magisa. at narealize ko,malungkot palang magisa.

Sunday, family day. Andami kong nakitang magkakasamang family. Nainggit ako, syempre. pero inisip ko, minsan din naman kameng naging masaya, at di pa tapos ang buhya namen, tsaka inisip ko nalang din na nung magkakasama kame, baka may naiinggit din samen. :)

I never thought that was real!

September 8, 2008. I will never forget this day. It was our dismissal when I checked my phone, and an unknown no. appeared, and I have a rext from her. I forgot what she had texted me first. What I can remember is, she told me that " ikakaskas mo puke mo sa pader". She was the mom of my ex( manliligaw ko kasi siya nung nangyari to). My God, of all na makakaaway ko, or umaaway sakin, nanay pa niya! Grabe, I was really shocked when I read that. Her mom is telling me to get out of Jon's life, na i'm a cheap girl and parang pinapalabas pa niya na pokpok ako. wtf right?! But why am I typing this blog. Kasi, awhile ago, we we're in the apartment of keith's cousin. Then yun, he said " ai. di naman kayo kilala na ate, ai hindi, kilala ka niya Joanah, kasi nga friend sila ni Dr. Sulio, eh alam niya yung ginawa sayo ng mama ni Jon, kasi magkaibigan si ate at si Dr.Sulio" somewhat like that. God, nashock talaga ako. I though Jon was just lying when he told me na his tito knows what her mom did to me. I never though it was real. Kulang talaga ako sa trust. TSK. pero it proves na he really did love me. LOVED me, yeah, past tense! may bago na siya eh :))

going back to mu school :)

It seems that everytime I go home, I always wanna go back to the place where I have spent 11 years of my life, My beloved Saint Louis School. It's good to know that everytime I came back there, I feel like I'm always welcome. It's funny pa nga that they are calling me sexy, it flatters me, even though I'm not, because I'm chubby. Saint Louis School Teachers never failed to make me laugh. Oooh. Especially sir bangad, sh**. I really missed sitting inside our room and talking with him. He never changed. I love him! HAHA! I will, and will always be a PROUD LOUISIAN! ghaad! sana lang wag maubos mga kakilala kong teachers dun. dameng bago eh.

don't let this affect you

I prayed. And promised that when I woke up, my sadness will disappear and I will wake up with a smile, but I can't. I said, I won't let it affect me, but no, I broke my promise. I can't. And it's hard for me.

I congratulated him for his new gf, and you know what he said, "thanks, sana magtagal kame, sana, tatagal yan". wtf right?! it broke my already broken heart into more tiny pieces.

But what else can I do? I need to move on, na antagal ko ng gustong gawin, maybe it's really the time to do it. Lord, help me

i didn't like what I saw

Naiiyak ako. Promise. Why did I ever believe him? Like it was just last week or I don't know when he said na ako lang daw mahal niya, and until now he still loves me and everything, then suddenly, makikita ko sa wall niya na he's already in a relationship. FVCK! ayun yung nakita kong post niya dati, na tinanong ko siya, and he just changed the topic. Antagal na nameng break pero nasasaktan pa din ako. Dapat talaga I never believed him. I'm so stupid kasi. urg. I wanna slap him in the face. FVCK you jon! FVCK you!

cheer me up please?!

pero slamat sa diyos at pinakita niya sakin yun, maybe He just want me to know it agad para less yung pain, kaso, masakit talaga!

my 4th term grades

I was disappointed. I was like staring the computer screen for too long when I saw my grade. And it took my brain minutes to analyze my grades. Hindi ko tanggap. HONESTLY SPEAKING! and now I'm afraid to show it to my mom. I passed it all naman, and I don't have 3, but I have 2.75! grrr! Now I'm thinking, dahil lang ba dun sa late ko na yun sa defense(na katatapos lang nung prayer nung dumating ako) kaya ako nakakuha ng 2.75?! wtf! I want him to show us his basis, kaso I'm afraid he might change everything. Ayokong may makaaway na prof. This didn't happen once, but twice. The first was during the 1st term. Imagine, we only meet once a week, I was never absent in his class, and I passed everything he had asked from us to pass. but then, he gave me 2.75 again?! wtf right?! What kind of a professor is that! damn him!

What is his criteria, or his standards in grade making! stupid old horny man! grrr! he's irritating me. damn him.

my 5 day vacation:))

April 29,2010 (thursday)

I woke up at around 8 am, i think?!HAHA. Then we ate at KFC then proceeded to Divisoria to buy cloths for our multiply shop. It was indeed a tiring day. Grabe, halos paikot ikot kame sa isang place kasi it's so hard to choose cloths. There were so many cloths. We went there mga before 12 tapos nakaalis kame ng before 3. Yeah, so tagal 'no?!HAHA. But the walking and making tawad is worth it naman. We found awesome(yes.awesome!HAHA) cloths.

April 30, 2010 (Friday)

Woke up at around 11 because dyan texted me and she wants to go out. Yes, syempre kaibigan ko so game naman ako. She told me na kahit saan, so I suggested Tagaytay. HAHA. And she approved. We rode a bus at 5pm, it's to BALIBAGO. We don't even know where that is. Grabe, the bus was full, dun kame nakaupo sa tabi ng driver, sa may isle(experience no.1). The rain poured nung nandun kame sa slex, then nagstop. Thank God. Kinabahan kame ni dyan cause we don't have umbrellas. Then pagkaexit, the rain poured again, syempre, kinabahan nanaman kame, but then again, it stopped nung pababa na kame, Lucky much?HAHA. Then sumakay kame ng jeep to tagaytay(experience no.2), grabe, it's so mabagal and matagal. Then another tricycle(experience no.3) para sa papunta sa may mga views, over pricing si manong driver.amp! HAHA. We we're laughing kasi we reached Tagaytay around 8. Kaya ginawa lang namen, kumaen lang sa Dencio's(thinking na meron naman nyan dito sa manila.HAHA). But our stay in Dencio's was great. We saw the moon, full and yellow. Super cute, Wala nga lang kasi kameng dalang cam to take a picture of it. KAsaby din namen dumating yung mga taga.... I forgot the name nun, basta parang orphanage, they entertained us, super cute! Then lucky us, may bus na agad pagkalabas namen ng dencio's. Kinabahan kame kasi we thought wala na kameng masasakyan. Pero meron. Yey! super lamig sa bus, eh nakashorts lang kame, si dyan walang jacket, ako meron kaso super nipis. Ayun, nakarating kame past 10. HAHA. Enjoy na din:)) kaso may sumira ng araw ko eh.

May 1, 2010 (Saturday)

Grabe, 9am gising na ako, thinking na me and my brother will go to batangas na. Kaso namuti lang mata sa kahihintay sakanya na gumising until my mom told me na they will just pick us up. They arrived mga past 8. we ate at Shakey's(yan kasi pinakamalapit). Then my father invited us to watch a last full show. Iron Man 2. At first, nagdadalawang isip ako kasi di ko napanuod yun una. Pero, OMG! I super enjoyed the movie. Super nice. Napagusapan na rin namen na we'll be leaving at 4am to go to calatagan(excited ako). Natulog kame mga past 1.

May 2, 2010 (Sunday)

Gulat ako, my brother woke me up, it's 3:30 am. aw. too early, and too lazy to get up. kaso kailangan. HAHA. then we left at around 4:10. Di na kame naligo ng kapatid ko. Magbebeach din naman eh. We had our breakfast in Tagaytay. Then nakarating kame ng taal, batangas ng 7am. Dadaanan lang dapat namen yung mga relatives namen dun. Define nakakainis, it's when you have already planned, and someone will change it. Calatagan na dapat eh, si papa na mismo nagsabi, kumontra pa ang kontrabida ng buhay ko, si mama! damn! Tuloy, dun sa panget na beach na yun ang bagsak namen. Nakakaasar talaga, pero ok na din kasi I had fun na rin naman, kaso mas masaya lang sana kung sa calatagan. We only had few shots din kasi di nanaman naicharge ni papa yung cam. aw!

May 3, 2010 (Monday)

Go back to Manila again. Did my assignment. Text. Then sleep:)) back to school tomorrow.ow!

It's been a year

1 year had passed since he begged for me to come back. 1 year passed that I tried to move on and let go. 1 year gone that I hoped he'll beg for me once again just like what he did after our many break ups. 1 year that I hoped he'll fulfil his promises. 1 year that he's the only one I'm thinking of. 1 year of misery and pain. 1 year of regretting my mistakes. 1 year of wondering the "what if's" in my mind. 1 year of hoping that someday, "us" will work again and "us" will be a perfect match.

A friend told me that I can't move on because I know that he still loves me. Ad now, I just want Him to say he doesn't love me anymore so I can move on. I really want to move on but I don't know how.

I guess, 1 year is too long for hoping. I guess it's time to move on. I just want him to say that and I can say I'm in peace. It's just that we're really not meant to be together. I wanna change me, and his words are the key to my new life.

i feel empty

&& I don't know why. Aw! Maybe because I haven't settled what I want to settle. I don't know how eh.

Why does it feel like I am being fooled. Why is he saying that I am important to him kaso he's not showing it naman? Is he playing games with me? or parang making "balis". Urg! I want us back so much, but I don't know if it's right! Damn!

Maybe we're meant to fall in love with each other but we're not meant to be together.

I was wrong. And I'm sorry. What I've heard was wrong. He is a virgin. Sorry, I was listening to someone else kasi when they were talking about that topic. Kaso di lang naman yun eh. Ok. Fine. You're a Virgin. But there's something else that is running around my mind right now.

Wanna know what that is?hmmmm....it's about what jayvee told me. Yung when he told him that I don't want him anymore ,uminit na daw ulo niya then suddenly he said na he have this girl,that girl and etc.Diba. What would you feel if you were in my position?!

He explained to me everything(i guess) naman na eh. I asked him to tell me everything I need to know. Sinabi naman niya but I am not sure if lahat na nga ba talaga yun.

Wait. Stop. Why am I asking questions like that to him? I don't have the right naman diba? I'm not his girlfriend and He is not my boyfriend. Why did we have a conversation like that? If only you can read his messages to me, he's trying to explain everything he knows. It's as if he really needs to explain all of those things.

But it's too late. Its so hard to trust him. Its so hard to believe his words. I don't know what is right from wrong. I don't know why he explained to me everything. Kasi honestly speaking, I am still holding on to his promises, that he already broke. Like the "ikaw lang mamahalin ko", "maghihintay ako", and so on. Kasi if he was really sincere to his promises(na pinanghawakan ko, tanga ko kasi!), wala dapat siya naging karelasyon sa almost 1 year na wala kame. That's why I hate promises. Di naman kasi nila tinutupad eh:(

Anyway, I missed conversations like that. I missed texting with him until we are already sleepy. I missed the times when he was always or mostly(HAHA) the first one to go to bed. I really miss the old times.

Behind this conversation are two persons who love each other, but can't be together. At yun ang masakit. Its so hard to let go of him. Or I just don't want to let go. Maybe because, I wanna know the what ifs in my mind(what if pinakita kong mahal ko siya, what if naging open ako, what if naging mas concern ako sakanya, what if kahit papaano tinatanong ko din problema niya...etc!)

I want us to be together again, but there is something that is telling me, don't! What should I do?

You and me will never be together.

Thinking about the title? well that was a line that I made when our teacher asked us to pass a poem. Anyway, this will be about the title naman eh, not the poem.

Last night, we were drinking here in our house. I didn't expect na pupunta siya dito. I really didn't. Well it was a good night, not until Josh asked us(medyo may tama na kasi) kung virgin pa daw kame, then 2 boys answered, NO! and he was the other one. I just heard that, kaso di ko narinig yung ibang part ng story because Jeck(boyfriend ni pat) was telling me of his story(ang sad nga eh,napaiyak ako dun). Grabe, naturn Off talaga ako. Before that night, I was hoping and I'm ready to fix "us" again eh. Kaso when I heard that. Ayoko na. And meron pa, Josh asked again if we ever had Long distance relationships, siyempre, ako wala ako niyan, pero siya nagkaroon daw, marami pa. Napaisip ako kung those times na kame pa, or those times na he's still courting me, or the times na on off on off kame, what if may someone na pala siyang fliniflirt through text or whatever. I never borrowed his phone naman dati, and never akong naghinala na he's flirting with other woman. pero what if he was?! Hindi ako nanghihimasok sa buhay niya dati.

Then awhile ago, he texted and defended himself, saying na virgin pa siya and whatever. Then I asked Jayvee some advices, he said na I made the right decision na wag ng makipagbalikan sakanya. Kasi last night, when jayvee opened that i don't want him back to my life, ang sabe ba naman daw, it's ok, wala akong pake, marami pa naman kan iba. And jayvee told me na he has reserves!WTF right. What if kaya niya akong lokohin diba:?!

Siguro nga we're better if we're not together. Things wont work for us. But still, I love him. KAso di ko lang alam kung TAMA.

I don't know if that was really the answer. And i Thank God for that. Ang sakit ng loob ko. Ang bigat. Take the pain away. Please?!

be mine?

Every time I'm here in my room, i always remember my exes. I don't know why but my room reminds me of them. Maybe because, here is where i hide every time they call me, maybe because here is where i hid our memories, maybe because, before, we used to say goodnights before we go to sleep. But now, I'm left with no one.

I easily moved on with my 1st ex because someone came along. But with my second ex, for God's sake, until now, i don't know how to move on. Someone, or there are two, no, there's three who tried, but I didn't give them chances because of HIM. It's been a year, not exact, but more than a year, i think, when we part ways. After our first break up, he wants me back and I also want him back, so we're on again, then break, then on. then break, then on, YES, we're christmas LIGHTS! ON and OFF! But, sad to say, we had the LAST BREAK UP. We had no communication for more than 3 months, i think. And you know what he said when we have our communication again, "Finally, napalitan na din kita". Those words broke my heart, into pieces. He kept on comparing me with the girl. Masakit pero i still kept on listening. Then again, i cut our communication. Then it was returned on February.

He told me he has new again. I still listened. But I haven't moved on yet until now. He has a girlfriend. Desperate me, I asked him, "If ever I asked you to leave her and be mine, would you do it?". I wanna know if he still loves me eh. I know it's wrong, but I can't hide what I feel anymore. Telling to my friends won't lessen the pain eh, so I said it to HIM nalang. He said "I'll think of it" and "Mahal ko siya eh". I waited for his answer. Days had passed. At last, he answered. Oh. not yet. He told me that he broke up with her. Then he asked me, "Anong mangyayari kapag sinabi kong OO?", then I said, "I don;t know", and I asked if his answer is really yes then he said "OO". I was shocked. Really shocked. And I was so guilty and sorry for the girl.

After he said yes to my question, many things ran around my mind. "Is he really a changed man?", "Will he hurt me again"?.....and many more. I don't know if he and me should be together again. yes, I love him, But is it enough not to hurt him anymore. I couldn't bear to see him cry again because of me.

I asked God for answers, he never replied.HAHA, funny if he did. But maybe he just showed me. Because the quote "Kung kayo talaga para sa isa't isa, hindi man kayo okay ngayon, magkikita parin kayo sa huli", somewhat like that, echoes in my mind. Maybe that's the answer, iiwan ko nalang sa panahon kung anong mangyayari. God's will be done:-)

excited much:-)

Breathe in, Breathe out.

At last, i can breathe normally again. nah, i am not sick nor came from the hospital or whatever. I can breathe normally again because, third term is over and the end of 3rd term means, 3 weeks vacation for me. After almost 3 months of everyday classes, at last, i can have a rest and i can go home to my beloved vizcaya. I'm so excited to go home na and be with my family, loyola family and friends. I've never been this excited before and i don't know why. And during that 3 weeks vacation, isingit natin birthday ko. OMG, is this for real? im turning 17 na. im getting old na.:-(

Anyway, what should i do for my 3 weeks vacation? Maybe swim, relax, laugh. Nah, don't wanna make plans. I'll just leave it all to destiny.haha.weh? All i want to do is to have fun and find myself again, the real me, the real laughs. I miss my HOME, there is where the TRUE joanah lives:-)

why me?

i can't stop myself but ask, why me? why all of the people in the world, i'm the unlucky one. For the second time, my phone was lost again. Gone in a snap. i have no idea who got it. Curse who he is. i know, things happen for a reason, but tell me, what's your reason now? Do you want me to live without the "luho"? Or you're just punishing me because i'm not going to your HOUSE anymore. WHY ME GOD?why me?