My bestfriend (boy)

We started as enemies. he made bullying as a hobby when we were on our elementary years. then blah blah blah. Never thought he had some feelings for me until one of his friends told me he likes me.

Christmas 2010, he texted. I replied. We bet about the torpe thingy. He had to prove that he is not torpe. Winner takes 1k. I lost, but I didn't give him 1k. HAHA! he said, enough na daw ako as the prize.

ilang beses ko din siyang tinurn down this year. Pero we always ended up texting with each other uli. Then yun, there came a time na things were going serious between the two us. Regular tambays. Him fetching me at school. and tambay in our condo.

He was my first kiss. That means he's super important in my life. I trust him enough to give him my FIRST kiss ever with a guy (except my dad and brothers). He's the most special guy in my life right now(again except my dad and my brothers).

I think he's atat na to call me as his girl. Nagsawa na ako sa paulit ulit na pagtatanong niya kung kailan ko siya sasagutin. He asked and asked and asked and

asked and asked and asked, did I say he asked? He did ask a lot!

September 29,2011, he asked again, I said yes, 1. for him to stop

asking and 2. to give him a chance 3. to give myself a chance to love again. So officially, I am his girl. He said he wants to cry daw that time. I wasn't supposed to cry that time pero hindi ko napigilan when I told him not to change.

Days and days have passed. Nothing has changed talaga! And that was not the "don't change" I told him. I didn't feel that he was my boyfriend that time. More of a bestfriend. He's more of a word person rather than an action. Sometimes, I can't feel his sincerity and effort, sometimes lang naman.

pero days with him were so happy. I treasure every day we were together. He is my bestfriend. he was always there for me when my friends ar too busy with their school stuffs. He was always there to make me happy all the time. he cared for me too much.

Everyday that we were together was memorable and worth remembering. I also value small things. I remembered when I told him that my things are too heavy and he told me he'll fetch me at my school. sweet! :"> And when he slept over our place because I'm afraid to be left alone.

But I haven't change. Im still afraid of commitment. And I can't handle a relationship for a long time. Akala ko this time, makaka-2 months na ako sa relationship, pero hindi pala. almost 3 weeks na kaming hindi nagkikita that time(actually nagkita kami sa debut ni pat pero di naman masyadong nakapagusap). He told me na hindi niya daw maramdaman na girlfriend niya ako, and I was hurt when he said that, I know it;s true naman e, cause I am not really the showy, sweet type of girl I was hurt kasi he knows that I sacrificed a lot of time just to be with him. That I gave him my full trust, and he was my first kiss. Sana naisip niya nalang yun. And nagsinungaling ako sa parents ko para sakanya and I let him stay in our condo, which is a no no dapat!

Then I broke up with him, not because I don't love him but because I don't want commitment. It's a big responsibilty and it's too hard to handle. anf maybe, just maybe, natatakot ako na sobrang maattach and baka dumating yung araw na ako na yung sobrang nagmamahal, tapos siya yung biglang bumitaw, na mas masakit.

Now, bestfriend ko nalang muna siya. oo, nagregret ako na ginawa ko yun. Pero ayoko pa rin na makipagbalikan. I know I'll get hurt if makakahanap siya ng bago, pero I'll be fine, I'll be happy for him pa. Dito naman talaga kami nagstart, as bestfriends.

AND my message for him; Sana wag mo akong iwan, as you said before. Sorry if hindi ko pa kaya. Natatakot lang talaga ako siguro ako masaktan ng sobra sobra. Ambigat ng feeling ko ngayon, kasi I super miss you na. 4 weeks na tayong di nagkakasama eeee. I want to talk to you like before na eee.. Wala na kasi akong napagsheshare-an ng mga stories ko eee :( Kaso hindi pa kasi bukal sa loob mo na friends nalang muna tayo. I really miss you. As in. Mahal na mahal kita, kaso mas nangingibabaw ang takot sakin. Sorry.

Words I want to tell you right now

I miss you. I really do. Bakit kasi ginawa ko pa yun? Sana hinayaan ko nalang. Sana di nalang kita inignore at pinaniwala ko na lang sarili ko na mahal talaga kita.

I lost a friend. Namimiss kita kasi wala na akong kausap lagi. Wala na yung taong pinagkwekwentuhan ko ng mga nangyari sa araw ko, yung pinagsasabihan ko kapag naiinis ako or masaya ako or whatever.

Sinabi ko dati na masaya ako kahit wala ka, pero mas masaya kapag nandiyan ka. I wish, I could turn back time, na sana di ko nalang sinabi yung mga yun.

Sana naging makulit ka pa. Sana hindi ka sumuko kaagad. Sana namimiss mo din ako. Sana masabi ko ito sayo, kaso ayoko ng manggulo.

You could have stayed, and we could have continued this journey.

I'm just a text away, text me na. tell me you miss me too, please? I miss you so much, na minsan, gusto ko nalang itapon phone ko, kasi alam ko na hindi mo na ako itetext, minsan, I stare at my phone, kaso wala ka paring text.

Hindi man kita ganun kamahal, you're a special person to me, I love you more than a friend, pero hindi nga lang enough para sa gf bf relationship. I want you back into my life. I let go you go kasi baka ayaw mong magsettle sa ganun.

Please go back. I'll accept you naman e. Promise. :'(

UNPLANNED MOMENTS

so it was a thursday(JUNE 23,2011) when it happened. HAHA. it was during our testing time, me, tanya, michael, giselle and zia were left in our room with MAMA TERRY, haha! We were waiting for zia to finish stuffs. Eh I'm not in the mood to go home pa and it was raining hard and I DONT HAVE AN UMBRELLA. HAHA :D nasira kasi.HAHA. So yun, I told them na magdinner muna kami, no one objected, so we went to the mall. Then Zia suggested na mag CHICKEN ALL YOU CAN kami sa max. so we rushed and everybody was excited. HAHA.

(ME,MICHAEL AND ZIA-----waiting for our chickens!)

So yun, super laughtrip, I was laughing so hard that time. Happiness. No one, as in zero of us thought about the rain while we were eating. Who cares? HAHA. JK.


(TOO MANY BONES! HAHA. ---after eating,joke.di pa pala)

I didnt get to have a picture of the bones after eating kasi kuya waiter was so shy to pose for us. Gusto ko kasi sana na kasama siya. HAHA :D

So when we left max and decided to go home, OMG, abot tuhod ang baha. What to do? HAHA. tanya said, stay and sleep in SM manila. G wants to go home, and ME, kahit ano! hAHA :D after so many talks and minutes had passsed, we decided to face the flood with icky plastics, cockroaches and rats and many more.


(FALCON DUCKLINGS.HAHA. OO, NAKUHA PA NAMIN MAGPICTURE)

So pagkarating sa underpass, we parted ways na. Zia and me were together. Akala ko tapos na, pero di pa pala. Ang hopeless ng rides. So we decided to walk, hanggang ESPANYA. kaloka! pero experience na yun. HAHA. feel namin ni Z na kasali kami sa AMAZING RACE. HAHA :D

WALA AKONG PINAGSISISIHAN SA ARAW NA YUN. NAGING MASAYA AKO, AT KASAMA KO MGA AMAZING FRIENDS KO :D. HAHA. UNPLANNED MOMENTS ARE THE BEST! SANA MAULIT ;p

pending question

I told myself, I'll never think of you anymore. But I really really want to know, Do you really love her more than me? Do you still love me? If I ask you to stay, will you not go? Do you still love me? Kasi ako, I am sure that I am in love with you, but I don't want to bother you anymore. SO I'll just shut up and let you love her.

Why our time never match? ( kunwaring poem. Haha)

9 years had passed since we first met in class. 
We were both under sir farinas
I think we were in the 4th row
And you tease me almost every hour

I hate being near you in class 
Cause you pissed me off so much
I remember always boxing you
Cause that's the only thing I can do

The next grade, i thought we'll be apart
But then I wasnt right
We're still in one section
And God knows how much I hate that

In our final year of our elementary life
Unfortunately, we're both under  st. Rose of lima
You're not yet tired of teasing me
And Im bored of your silly jokes

At last, high school came
And guess what, finally we're apart
I belong in the science section
And you're bitter to be in the general section

One day somebody told me a secret
A secret that was hidden for a long time
I was shocked when I heard it
And didnt believe them so I ignored it

Then suddenly, a message appeared in my phone
I asked who it was and you said it's you
I asked if the secret is true
You said yes and tried to prove it to me

There was no luck for you
Cause my heart beats for someone else
You tried again, and again and again
But I guess it's not your fate

  
I had relationship with others
And you also loved someone else too
I loved the guy but we're opposites
Girls loved you also, but you Ignored it

Christmas 2010 came, and we played a game
Whoever loses wins a prize
I was so sure that I will win
I lost, but you didn't get a prize

You showed me too much love
And I gave you a BIG NO
I'm afraid that I'll hurt you
Didn't think I already did

I was afraid to fall in love again
To get hurt and cry, I avoid
I told you it will never be US
So you'll disappear like a dust

While you're not here, I think.  
I guess, Im ready to love you
It's time to be mature
It' time to face my fear

I asked God a sign,
If you text me, I'll tell you
Before the day ended, you beeped me
But it's too late, it's not my fate

It broke my heart when I read the text
I was ready to take risk
But you already found someone else
Told me you love her more than me   

Why our time never match?
You love me, I love someone else
You love me, Im confused
I love you, but now you love her.
When will our time match?

 

 


 

Patricia says:

I started the day smiling because it was the game 6 of NBA finals. I was so eager to watch it and I ditched class just to finish the game. And it was worth it because Mavs won! Haha! 

Then at 12, jam fetched me and we went to trinoma, then pat followed. Random topics, and everything and lots  and lots and lots of walking. Then suddenly, I told her, na I want to have a boyfriend na, then she said, she wants na din. So open open about things in our life. Then suddenly ipinasok niya si A sa topic. She said na he's just there naman daw and bakit di ko daw itry na seryosohin siya. And she was like a pro talaga in giving advices. As in. i told her ayoko kasi he was so demanding in terms of time. Sabi ko I dont want someone who always want to see me and everything, but she said na it's normal lang daw and I should accept that. He again said what everyone told me na give him a chance. Na itry ko daw. 

I told her pa na I dont want someone who is under and someone na kayang kaya kong paikutin, na kahit gaano kataas pride ng lalaki, matataasan at matataasan ko yun. Then she said na sa umpisa lang yun, that sooner, they will change. Haaay!

Im so confused. I want the feeling of being in love na uli. Yung feeling na you're afraid of losing someone and you're valuing them so much. That you can do whatever you can for them. Haaay. But I just cant do it. Because im afraid. I dont want pain. I dont want tears. Pero nasasaktan parin ako ngayon. Ang hirap. Ang gulo ng buhay. 

Confuzzled.........

Ang gulo gulo ng nararamdaman ko. Nakakainis na. Nakapagtanong na ako kung kani kanino kung anong gagawin. And their answers are opposite to what I am doing. They all said na, why dont you give him a chance. Sabi nila, paano ko daw malalaman if masasaktan ako or whatever kung hindi ko itatry. I super want to try but something is pulling me back. Hindi ko alam kung ano yun. Super? Naguguluhan na nga ako e. Sinasabi ko sa sarili ko na kaya ko, na ready na ako, pero kapag andiyan na yung chance, I change my mind. Pakiramdam ko nakamove on na ako dun sa ex ko pero hindi nawala yung pain. Anong kailangan kong gawin para mawala yung fear? Gulong gulo na ako. 

Ayoko ng ganitong feeling, yung naiiyak ka ng walang dahilan, na bigla nalang bibigat yung pakiramdam mo. 

Pero honestly, everytime na uuwi ako dati sa vizcaya, during my idle times, si jon pumapasok sa isip ko, but now iba na, ansakit kasi napalitan yung misery ng ibang misery. Dapat happiness diba? Pero hindi e. Pero I know it's my fault naman e. I was the one who doesnt or was afraid to take risk. 

I just really dont know what to do. Im confuzzled. God. *sigh

I told him :D

hi. I dont know if you can still remember me. Classmate mo ako dati sa eng12. haha. feel ko nashock ka. wala lang. just want you to know na hinahangaan kita :D haha. wala lang. Gusto ko lang sabihin, hindi naman na kasi siguro kita makikita around mapua kaya sinabi ko na:D weird ba? haha. sinabi ng friends ko e na wala naman daw masama kung sabihin ko sayo. anyway. ingat :D

that was my words to him. 5mins after, wala pa siyang reaction.Ok na yan. ok na na hindi siya magreact. God! ANong pumasok sa utak ko at nasabi ko sakanya. WAH! Hope he doesnt take it the wrong way :D haay. at least nasabi ko na sakanya, right? :D

ok lang ako

NP: Okay lang ako by Parokya ni Edgar..
"lahat ay aking gagawin
pikit matang tatanggapin
mas kayang masaktan paminsan-mnsan
'wag ka lamang mawala ng tuluyan..
...
..Kung merong magtanong tungkol sa akin
sabihin mo
ok lang ako, ok lang ako"

Read that from a friend's post! SHOOT! I immediately thought of someone A. Suddenly, ambigat ng pakiramdam ko. I don't know why. If there's a thermometer for the body to know if you have a fever or what, sana, there's a love-o-meter for the heart, so you can know if you are really inlove or whatever. So that you wont waste time thinking if you fell for someone or not. To know what is real. So that the mind and the heart would stop fighting.

The post reflects him so much. I remembered him saying he doesn't care if he'll be hurt, as long as he can prove to me that he loves me.

What does it mean if you think of a person during your idle moments? What does it mean when everytime you watch something with a guy and a girl, you remember him and suddenly, the what ifs appear.

If only I am not afraid of loving and showing my true feelings, I will choose you. because I know, that the feeling is real, and I know that I can entrust my heart to you. But I tried, you know that.

Sana alam niya kung anong tunay kong nararamdaman. Sana lang, kasi alam ko naman namisunderstood mo nanaman e. Minsan kasi, mas gugustuhin mo nalang igive up lahat, para lang makaless ka ng sakit sa ibang tao. Isipin mo, ngayon palang, na hindi naman masyado pinagsamahan namen, I got too attached. Ano pa kaya kapag tumagal pa diba? Hindi ko alam kung paano ko kakayanin yung ganun. Hirap ako sa mga ganitong bagay e. lalo na at wala akong mapagopenan. kasi kahit sa sarili ko, hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit ako nasasaktan. :(

an after shock? naaah

2 weeks, no communication with him, kasi he stopped na nga diba. Then suddenly he texted me, nangagamusta lang daw, I said ok lang ako and I asked him, how he is doing. He said he's not fine kase he misses me daw. sus. Then ayun, he's asking for another chance, a chance to prove he loves me daw. I said I don't want na kasi we are just hurting each other na and I know na wala namang patutunguhan to e.

I am afraid to fall. Afraid to get hurt because of love again. Oo, masaya ako na may nagmamahal sakin, but I dont want the ffeling na parang hawak ako ng iba. I want my freedom, I want all my time to be mine. Selfish ako, and that's reality

(March 2,2011)
I was watching mara clara, as always. haha. Then suddenly, christian appeared, I
remembered him (FYI: di niya kamukha si christian!). I was always telling him kasi na we'll text nalang after mara clara. Then after the episode, we will make kwentuhan about the episode. How I am so kilig about christian. Kaso ngayon, I don't have him na to share my kiligness to christian and how I cried for tonight's episode.

Then kanina, while I was staring into the city, and whispering into the wind that I miss him, I have realized na he was the one who made me move on completely from my ex. He made me forget about the pains and the fears. Kaso, new man to remember nanaman, maybe a new heartache?hmmm.... maybe not that much. New man to relate to my chick flicks, candy mags articles and everything about love. haay. If only I have the courage and not have the fear. I want to text him so badly, but I don't want to bother him anymore, and maybe, he's too busy to check his phone, or .....
nevermind.

there's something wrong

Ever feel so fine, then suddenly you're not, then you start to think of someone, then you go back to reality, you're ok again, then again not, then you feel like crying, and you ask yourself, but you don't know the reason.

I tried to preoccupy myself. I tried to make myself busy. I tried not to think of what I feel. I am trying my best to escape reality. But I guess, it's hard. Reality is one of the things we can't escape.

One of the reasons why I don't want to fall in love again, is because, I know, that they will end up getting tired and leave me. I don't know if I fell, all I know is that, I was already attached to him, I got used to the fact that he'll be there for me, listening to me and whatever.

I have already accepted the fact, that we can never be more than friends ,but what I can't understand is that, why does it feel that there is something wrong? ambigat ng pakiramdam ko. It feels like there's an unfinished business between the two of us. Or maybe I have made the same mistake I made before. Not explaining myself, not fighting for what I feel, and just letting him go, even though I know, that he is special to me.

Natatakot akong masaktan uli. Ayoko na. Tinigil ko na agad to para less yung sakit. I let him go para malessen yung pain, pero bakit ganun, masakit parin? pero siguro mas ok na, kasi kung magtatagal pa, mas maaattach ako sakanya, mas masakit. Ang isa pang masakit, walang may alam ng nararamdaman ko. Mahirap magtago, mahirap din ishare sa iba kasi parang wala namang makakaintindi ng sitwasyon ko. I am always misunderstood. Gusto kong sabihin sakanya na nasasaktan ako, pero bakit? bakit ako nasasaktan at bakit ko pa sasabihin sakanya, it doesn't matter anymore. He's already happy with his life, why bother?

after all, it was my fault

It all sinks in now.I can slowly feel the loneliness. I'm hurt.

He gave up last sunday. Told me he was tired and he doesn't know if he still likes what he is doing or not, he said that his heart tells him to fight, but his mind tells him to quit. I don't know the right words to say, I just told him that "minsan, mas tama ang isip". But deep inside, I want to ask him why? I want to ask "ganun na ba ako kahirap pagtiyagaan?" or he did that to protect himself, letting me go is his defense mechanism. I want to tell him to keep fighting, but I did not. I let him go. I hurt him. I am a bad. I am stupid. I am coward. If letting me go was his defense mechanism, controlling my emotions is mine.

I tried to love him, i pushed myself to fall. I was at the edge, maybe a little more push and I will fall, but he wasnt there anymore. And it was hard for me to lift myself and move away from the cliff.

I thought you love me so much that you will wait until I am ready. But I guess, you don't. You make me happy. You make me feel special. You are my first thought in the morning and my last thought before I go to sleep.

I missed saying goodmorning to you and telling you that I am late. I missed you telling me to eat my lunch, dinner and whatsoever. I missed you telling me to go to sleep na kasi I might be late for school the following morning. I missed how you make kulit of me that you are going to make sundo of me sa school,i hate how you make kulit, but I miss it. I missed everything about us. I missed us texting all day long. my mapua friends are curious nga e, who's that "arvin campos" ba? And all I can say was, he's my friend.

everytime I look at my window, I look around the city, and all I can remember is you, the times when you call me and I go to my room because my brother is outside.

I know it will be our last goodbye. I lay it all to God. To God be the glory. If it is meant to be, it will be.

Sorry for the pains. For your hardships, all are appreciated. Sorry for not being the girl who will love you the way you love me. I know someday, you will find someone who is much better than me. Lucky is that girl, cause I know, you will love her will all your heart, and that you will love her, truly, madly and deeply.

til here my friend, maybe we had the right love at the wrong time or just a wrong love at the right time. IDK! ciao- joanah marie castillo ruben

it was a my childhood dream

wearing a beautiful long gown. Nice shoes. tied up hair with make up on my face. everyone going to be dressed up for my night. everyone will be looking at me. i'll be dancing under the spotlight, everybody will be greeting me a happy birthday.

I wanna be a princess for that night. I was dreaming and waiting or this day to come. and now, it's less than 2 months before that day comes,my mom and dad knows how much I want to have a big celebration for my 18th birthday.

i have checked my guestlists schedules. Planned my theme. Searched for my gown design. Told my mom to prepare her recipes and suddenly---- my mom texted me that she will gave me money nalang instead of having a debut! ma, are you serious? you really want to hurt me? I dreamed of it since I was 8 or 9, and then now you want me to cancel it. Kung alam niyo lang kung gaano niyo ako sinasaktan. Ang sakit sakit kasi ayaw niyong matupad yung dream ko. bakit ganyan kayo? ako na nga lang ang pagdedebuhin ninyo e, bakit ganyan kayo? Huwag niyo naman sana ipagdamot sakin ang araw na yun, sana lang :( hinayaan ko na nga na ibang birthday ko hindi bongga e, ang gusto ko lang sa 18th bday ko, maganda :(( sana maintindihan niyo :(

I dont wanna hurt him, but I dont want to fool myself

It started last year, i was joking when I said he was so torpe, he said he wants to prove that he is not. Nagpustahan pa nga kame e. I thought I will win, pero naprove niya na hindi siya torpe. He went with us to mass, then we watched a movie. Then continous yung communication, halos lagi nga kameng nagtatawagan. And mind you, he was the first one whom I had a meal na guy na hindi ko kamaganak na kame lang dalawa ang magkasama. I can feel na medyo nafafall na ako sakanya kaso hindi ako masaya sa nararamdaman ko. Suddenly, i feel so irritated. And that's when I realize na hidi ko pa kaya. I cant love. Im too afraid to fall inlove. I know na syang na yung chance, he loves me so much that he is willing to give up his vicea for me and everything, pero ayoko naman lokohin yung sarili ko.

If he read this, sana malaman niya kung gaano ako kaSORRY sa ginawa ko:-(

revelations on my christmas break.

these are random things on mind. haha :)

1st: NIKKO.

- he's been open to me about his feelings for me since,ahhm, idk. haha. basta, ngayon, mas open na siya and hindi na siya nahihiya sakin, and we're starting to bring back the old times. yung dati na friends lang talaga kame :) at namiss ko yun. Alam kong mysterious siya, and I know na isa siya sa mga taong mamahalin ako, kahit anong mangyari.

2nd: ARVIN

- the communication between us is open. We're texting, pero madalang lang. He said na may feelings pa rin siya saken, he even said "true love e". I told him na siguro pag nawala katorpehan niya, baka may pagasa pa na magustuhan ko siya. I don't wanna close the doors, he is kind, and I know the feeling is real, it's been a long time na rin when I found out that he likes me, or I guess loves me. Ayun. so maybe, I may fall in love with him.

3rd: RAMON

- jam told me that he likes me. He's been joking about it since summer, I think. Pero di ako naniniwala. ayun, I like ramon, pero as a friend lang. Never fell in love with him, or just a crush. He is a nice friend :) and just like nikko, hindi kame talo. Friendship weighs more than relationship like bf gf :))

christmas break---over!

in about 14 hours, I'll be going back to manila. I've been going home here in solano, then back to manila for many times already but still, I'm not used to it. I still want plenty of time to stay here. But it's ok, time flies so fast, I know, I won't recognize, I will be back again, here, where I belong :)